What Would Ryan Lochte Do? “Pilot”

Ryan Lochte did some stuff on TV yesterday and you might have tragically missed it. Here’s the recap!

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We’ve decided to give the Knicks a break here at the Meloship and provide some essential writing on the wonderful national treasure that is Ryan Lochte. So begins a weekly thing, for better or worse, where I will write recaps of episodes of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” in an attempt to make Mondays a little less terrible. Or more terrible. We’ll see. Jeah, this should be interesting.

We begin the inaugural episode of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (WWRLD) with our hero and a large group of people called the “Lochterage” (Spectacular wordplay. We’re already off to a great start.) walking down the streets of Gainesville, Florida getting ready to play quite possibly the most intense game of flag football ever. Quickly, we are introduced to Lochte’s assistant/BFF Gene and his younger brother Devon. Devon, of course, is rocking a tuxedo shirt. Ryan, not to be out-bro’d, is wearing a tank-top that says “LochteNation” on it and keeps saying that over and over again to describe the group. The teams split into a shirts-vs-skins game, and shockingly, the real-life Aquaman quickly takes off his shirt. Some things to know about the game:

  • Lochte says he doesn’t know the rules to flag football, but logically decides to play quarterback anyway. I believe Jamarcus Russell was very similar.
  • By my count, he finished with one rushing touchdown and about five interceptions, two of which were returned for touchdowns, and zero butt-fumbles. I’m no scout, but his throwing mechanics were more sound than Tim Tebow’s. What I’m trying to say is that Lochte will be the next starting quarterback of the New York Jets.
  • Before the last play, Ryan bet Devon that he would score a touchdown, and if he didn’t Ryan would detail Devon’s car with a toothbrush. Needless to say, the game ended on a pick-six thrown by Ryan, because of course.

The group then moves to the Lochte residence, where they have enough pizza and beer to survive the apocalypse. After flirting with a self-proclaimed ballet dancer who couldn’t get onto her toes and do that painful looking walk ballet dancers do, he wasn’t every impressed and decide to go to a bar. Apparently, in Florida, you can just walk up behind the bar and start serving drinks to strangers if you’re Ryan Lochte. (Also: Lochte say “Let’s turn it UPPPPPPPPPP” like 17 times in the span of 10 seconds.)

The show has numerous cut-aways to Lochte sitting in a room with the producer asking him questions. After the bar scene, Lochte is asked if he considers himself to be a “player.” His answer? “Define ‘player’.” Then we meet Megan, whom he cordially invites to a sushi dinner-date by whispering “Let me tell you something” in her ear and getting her out of the bar to ask her out. All this, mind you, while he is one his third cup of what appears to be blue Gatorade. After the commercial break, the Lochte family goes bowling. We meet his two sisters and mother. Mama Lochte attempts to say “JEAH” multiple times but her attempts don’t meet the satisfactory “JEAH”-level that Lochte has set himself. His younger sister tells him to “Be the ball”, and after knocking down a grand total of three pins he replies “I am the ball. The pins are just my friends.” This was my reaction. The older sister, Kristin, asks him when she’s going to meet the girls he’s going on dates with. I’d wager and say probably never. Ryan explains to us that Kristin is always right and looking out for him, as well as smarter than he is. Basically, Kristin Lochte is the Dick Cheney to Ryan Lochte’s George W. Bush. Ryan and Megan go on their date. Turns out Megan doesn’t know what sushi is and is moving LA in a couple of weeks. Welp, looks like they’re not getting married.  As we go to commercial again, Lochte yells “What would Ryan Lochte do?” underwater and it’s actually pretty audible. This is why he’s an Olympian, folks.

Time for Family Movie Night! Kristin wants to watch Silence of the Lambs, but Ryan objects. This is when we learn that his favorite movie is What Women Want. And if you think about it, Lochte really is the Mel Gibson of swimming. Ok, maybe not. The sisters then chastise him after he admits to taking his dates to the same restaurant.

Kristin: “In a college town? Word gets around, Ryan.”

Ryan: “It might be the same place, it might be the same table, but it’s a different girl.” Deep, touching stuff.

We end with Lochte paying off his bet to Devon, cleaning his SUV’s rims with a toothbrush. But wait, there’s a twist! Turns out Ryan is using Devon’s toothbrush! Ryan is so pleased with himself he begins speaking in the third-person: “Ryan Lochte is an honest guy, and he’ll always pay his bets off. But he’ll do it in the Ryan Lochte way.” As the end credits roll, we see a preview for next weeks episode which is *easily* going to be the best 30 minutes in television history, as Ryan goes to Washington, D.C. and gets asked questions by a roundtable of women ranging from ObamaCare to carbon emissions. Those previews almost completely undermined a great first episode because now I can’t think about anything other than next week’s show. Some final thoughts:

  • There were a few great Lochte-in-a-room-with-the-producer moments. First, Lochte asks “Douchebag? What is a douchebag? What is the definition?” followed by a clip plays of him saying “I got $200,000 on my wrist.” and pointing to his watch. Then, he forgets what medals he won at the Olympics.
  • After promoting his clothing brand and “The Lochte Edge” he gets asked what “The Lochte Edge” is. Dumbfounded, he responds with “You know, I’ve never been asked that question before. And honestly, I have no idea.” Which is fair. Asking to define “The Lochte Edge” is like asking to define the word “the.” That shit is impossible. And let me tell you something: If you CAN define “The Lochte Edge”, you probably don’t have “The Lochte Edge.”
  • After a night of partying, Lochte and his friends, hungover, go through a Sly Stallone in Rocky IV training montage. But, instead of cutting logs in the Russian wilderness, they’re doing crunches and swimming laps in Florida.
  • So, seeing as the vast majority of this show is scripted, there has to be a way to get Lochte to say things that are still incredibly stupid but too smart for him to think of. Would everyone chip in say, 5 dollars, to get some of the writers to have him quote Kanye and say “I’m way too black to burn from sun rays” while doing crunches in the Florida sun? Would anything be better? Maybe if Lochte did Ye’s verse on Clique, citing his “clique” as “LochteNation.” The goal here is to get Lochte to quote Kanye as much as he can because if those two personalities could somehow mix, I could die happily.
  • Some quick lyric ideas on Lochte doing “Clique”: “Every time I’m in Gainesville they screaming like he’s Elvis/But I just wanna design shoes and nail it”
  • Favorite throwaway line from Lochte: “I always pee in the pool. You have too.” Damn right.
  • Throughout the show, he wears shirts that say “#LochteNation”, “Turn It Up” and “Listen To Ryan Lochte.” Ryan Lochte is the GOAT.
  • Here’s the definitive Ryan Lochte GIF.

And that wraps up the first of hopefully many WWRLD recaps. Was this a good idea?

HELL JEAH.

Knicks Sign Earl Barron

Earl Barron Jason Kidd orange boarder

EARL BARRON IS BACK. Following Rasheed Wallace’s retirement from earlier today (he’ll find a rec league), Earl Barron is back with the Knicks after a three year period of being in exile from New York. Yes, the same guy that Knick fans thought was going to be the team’s starting center during the 2010-11 season. Barron will be eligible for the upcoming playoffs this Saturday against the Celtics. What a weird turn of events the last couple of days; first, King Solomon Jones was waived a couple of days ago, resulting in the signing Quentin Richardson to fill in that roster spot yesterday, then today with Earl Barron filling in Sheed’s vacant spot. Some things about Earl:

  • No, Ronny Turiaf isn’t replacing him. 
  • Who knows what we’ll get in him? Knick fans said the same with Kenyon Martin, but hopefully Barron can do something like this in limited significant minutes. That was Barron’s breakout game, in which everyone thought he was going to become a superstar, because, you know, he was essentially the only hope.
  • Barron is happy to be back in New York, apparently, and it makes a lot of sense.
  • He also has a championship ring. So, you know what that means…PLAYOFF EXPERIENCE (pfffft)!

Lots of people jokingly said Earl may come back to New York, but those jokes turned into facts. Welcome back, Earl! Two Earls is better than one!

Knicks Sign Quentin Richardson

qrichEarlier today, basically out of the blue, the Knicks signed Quentin Richardson, closing the open roster spot they had from cutting King Solomon Jones. Richardson played with the Knicks from 2005-2009, and holds career averages of 10.3 points per game, 4.7 rebounds per game, and is a 35% three point shooter. This move isn’t that significant, or at least lets hope it isn’t that significant. Also, Richardson is playoff-eligible. Some brief thoughts:

  • Once a Knick Always a Knicks! It looks like the Knicks are becoming very committed to this slogan. However, I was kinda hoping that players from Knicks teams we try so, so hard to forget would be, um, forgotten from this new campaign. If the Knicks bring back Jerome James, look for them to have a 10 year anniversary night for the 2005-2006 Knicks, where every fan in attendance gets a replica NBA Draft Lottery ping-pong ball.
  • Here’s Q-Rich blowing a dunk against Maccabi Tel Aviv.
  • For those of you that weren’t following the Knicks during those terrible years (and god bless you, really) or have drank enough alcohol to forget them, you may not know that Q-Rich is not a big fan of Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett. That being said, I’d very much like for those guys not be extra-angry when playing the Knicks. 
  • And here’s Richardson and Garnett getting into a skirmish.
  • Hopefully Richardson doesn’t have to play unless the Knicks are up by 25 and Woodson clears the bench. If he gets burn in a situation other than that, I guess he can’t really be worse than James White. So there’s that.
  • Headbands! Melo and K-Mart are already avid wearers of headbands, and I can’t remember Richardson playing for the Knicks without one. I suggest a rule change for the playoffs where the team with the most headbands wins.

And that’s it! The Knicks close out the regular season against the Hawks tomorrow, and then get ready to play the Celtics on Saturday, time still to be determined.

Knicks 90, Pacers 80, 2nd Seed Clinched, Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

jrpacers15th win in the last 16 games, locked up the 2-seed in the East…fun times to be a Knicks fan, everyone. (Furiously knocks on all of the wood.) Indeed, the Knicks defeated the Pacers today in a relatively ugly, slow, Pacers-y game. Shorthanded in the frontcourt with Tyson Chandler and Kenyon Martin (and every other tall guy on the Knicks) suffering from death many different nagging injuries, the Knicks were beat up on the glass 45-32 (and 13-8 in offensive rebounds). However, even with this disparity, the Knicks took 17 (!) more shots than the Pacers, as the Pacers decided to start throwing the ball everywhere but to their own team, even hitting poor Mike Woodson with one en route to 26 turnovers. Carmelo Anthony poured in 25 points while sitting out the 4th with a shoulder contusion (nothing serious according to him, he is still alive), JR Smith added 15 off the bench, and Chris Copeland scored 20 himself as he made up for his poor rebounding with stellar shooting (8-12 from the field). Some notes:

  • King Solomon Jones got the start at center, and played pretty poorly but it really doesn’t matter. He over played some hedges defending the pick-and-roll, was constantly getting thrown to the ground by Roy Hibbert, and took a 7 foot jumper off the pick-and-roll that went about 5 and a half feet. Cool name, though.
  • Steve Novak missed a layup off the pick-and-roll and had he made it I would  probably be dead.
  • Melo started off hot, scoring the first 9 points for the Knicks, but cooled off mightily after that. He started getting frustrated with the officials after the physical play escalated and was guarding Hibbert and West down low and taking a beating. After getting fouled hard by David West on the shoulder and favoring it for a couple of minutes, Melo threw down an alley-oop from Kidd and then hit a catch-and-shoot three pointer and we all breathed a sigh of relief.
  • The Knicks benefited from Paul George being severly off his game (3-12 from the field) and basically everyone on the Pacers either not being able to throw or catch the ball. I don’t think I’ve seen that many passes flying to no one in particular in a while.
  • Jason Kidd, a game leading +17, missed a spot up three pointer by about 35 feet, then on the same possession took a runner from the corner as the shot clock expired and missed the rim by slightly less. Then he airballed his next three-point attempt long. Whatever. Kidd came up with 4 steals today, ripping the ball from poor Lance Stephenson as he attempted to drive on Kidd, then stealing a couple of over-the-top entry passes by playing the basketball version of a free safety.
  • Playing the majority of the game at center, Copeland actually did a decent job fighting with Hibbert for position down low. This, coupled with Hibbert’s relatively bad post up game and the Pacers refusing to throw him the ball when he was in *great* position right under the basket, led to Hibbert having 4 points on 2-5 shooting.

That’s basically it. I mean, this was a pretty sloppy game from about midway through the first quarter on. Looking forward, the Knicks now have their highest seed since 1994, will play the Celtics in the first round, and can/will rest their starters for the final two games o the regular season. The issue with the last thing is that the Knicks currently have 10 healthy players, and 8 of them are currently rotation players. If it were up to me, the Knicks would play Solomon Jones and James White, and throw in Jim Todd and Herb Williams occasionally. Alas, NBA rules require you to play 5 players at a time, so I guess they can’t do that. Anyway, the Knicks clinched the two-seed. I’m going to run around like a maniac for a while. This picture describes my emotions right now:

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Ex-Knicks of The Week

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Taylor Armosino (@tarmosino): Earlier this week, Knick legend Bernard King was finally elected to the Pro Basketball Hall of Fame. King won’t be the only former Knick inducted to the hall this year, as ex-coach Rick Pitino and shooting guard Richie Guerin also made the cut. Props to all three, but I’m going to talk about King this week.

Often compared to modern day Knick star Carmelo Anthony, Bernard King was one of the great scorers of his day. Though I’m not old enough to have seen him play, you need just to look at the stats to see how good he was. For his career, King averaged 24.1 points per 36 minutes. His career true shooting percentage was .561, exactly what Anthony’s is this season. The fact that King didn’t shoot threes makes his accomplishments even more impressive. He was scoring efficiently operating in the post and in the mid-range area, the two most inefficient spots on the floor. At the height of King’s scoring prowess, the 1983 and 1984 seasons with the Knicks, he posted player efficiency ratings of 22.7 and 25.2 and true shooting percentages of .619 and .585. He truly was a dominant scorer. Continue reading

Analyzing Kenyon Martin’s Recent Production

Kenyon Martin

Look, I know that Kenyon Martin has only played 13 games with the Knicks, but recently, he has been a valuable piece to the Knicks bench. It wasn’t fair to adjudge the way K-Mart played during his first 10 day tenure because he got little to no playing time. He only played one game during his first 10 day deal, and was on the floor for just under 5 minutes, the game being Stephen Curry’s 54 point explosion at MSG.  The second 10 day deal was pretty much the same, except, he actually got playing time, but again, in only one game. K-Mart made his legitimate Knicks debut against the Thunder and pulled a Bill Walker by fouling out in 17 minutes of run, four of those fouls being in a very short span. But at the same time, if it wasn’t for him defending Kevin Durant, defending as in bear hugging him or smacking the crap out of him, the Knicks wouldn’t have been in that game. Then, K-Mart was signed for the remainder of the season, and as of now, it has turned out to be a great move. Continue reading

Recap: Knicks 100 Celtics 85

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Tonight, the Celtics were shorthanded without Kevin Garnett due to an ankle injury that will set him back for two weeks (thank god). Even though KG wasn’t on the floor to antagonize Carmelo Anthony, the Knicks still got it done against the Jordan Crawford-led Celtics, if you will, also without Tyson Chandler. At the beginning of the second quarter and from there on out, the Knicks held onto the lead. The Celtics did go on a mini 5-0 run by scoring the first two baskets of the second half, after the Knicks ended the first half with a 19-4 run, leading me to thinking that the Celtics were eventually going to take the lead and create their own run. Thankfully, that was not the case and Avery Bradley was left in disbelief post game. Here are the most important notes: Continue reading

Clippers 93, Knicks 80

cp3feltonWell, that sucked. The Knicks kept their losing streak alive, getting beat pretty badly the Clippers. Missing Carmelo Anthony and Tyson Chandler (and Amar’e Stoudemire, but whatever) the Knicks got thoroughly out worked on the glass (-12 in that department) and got a really, really, really, terrible game from JR Smith, who they needed to pick up the majority of the offensive load. Notes ‘n’ stuff:

  • The aforementioned JR Smith was horrible, shooting 4-20 from the field and getting blown by really badly by Clipper guards. The Knicks needed him to have a good game to have a chance at winning, and in typical JR-up-and-down fashion, he followed up his 33 point night against the Blazers with whatever the hell today was.
  • Quietly, Raymond Felton had a good game. His defense wasn’t horrible, though he did make some odd rotation choices. (In fairness, the Knicks as a team make odd rotation choices.) Offensively, he made some lovely feeds to big men in space and should have finished with more than 9 assists if any of those big men could finish layups. Once again though, he had an inefficient 16 points on 15 shots. Still, a step in the right direction.
  • Chris Copeland started, played 26 minutes, got lost on dozens of rotations, missed some terrible shots, made some terrible shots, finished with 13 points.
  • Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan had many terrifying dunks and I’m happy no one on the Knicks was killed by them.
  • Once again, Mike Woodson buried Pablo Prigioni on the bench until the fourth quarter. Between adamantly refusing the play Pablo, constantly playing JR Smith, and having started James White for two weeks, Woodson’s lineup and rotation decisions have been putrid.
  • Kurt Thomas and Marcus Camby kept getting jumped over by Blake and DeAndre, and then Chris Paul almost murdered Kurt Thomas with a crossover. Turns out kids don’t have respect for their elders anymore.
  • Kenyon Martin put up quite possibly the worst shot of all time (a fadeaway that hit the top of the backboard) and committed 5 hard fouls, one of which was a flagrant.

Overall, the Knicks played with effort today. Their were painfully overmatched, and couldn’t score without JR having a good game. Good news: With the exception of Kurt Thomas potentially moving the cobwebs around in his knee, nobody on the Knicks lost a limb! The Knicks play the Jazz tomorrow, and hopefully the knees become fixed by then.

Thunder 95, Knicks 94 Notes

statWell, that was interesting. The Knicks lost to the Thunder 95-94, on a night where myself and the vast majority of others thought they would get clobbered. Without Carmelo Anthony, sidelined by death a sore knee, it looked like the Knicks would  need a big night from their normally supporting role players. JR Smith answered the bell (Loudly, at that. I think he might have broken the bell.) scoring 36 points on 14-29 shooting, including 6-13 from three-point land. After the Knicks fell behind 35-26 at the end of the first quarter, Earl erupted for 18 points in the second, and helped close the Thunder lead to 59-56. The Knicks must have kept JR in an incubator during the break, because he didn’t cool off in the third quarter, adding in 13 more and helping the Knicks get a 6 point lead going into the 4th quarter. The Knicks should have left the court and refused to come back on after that, trying to get the refs to call the game early. Anyway, that didn’t happen, and the Knicks couldn’t hold on to their lead, losing by one. The fourth quarter featured some interesting lineup choices and play calls from Mike Woodson, some shaky calls from the refs, and some expletives shouted by me. Down one with 38 seconds left, the Woodson drew up a creative play to get JR Smith a fairly open three pointer which he missed. On the ensuing possession, Kevin Durant missed a mid range jumper and the Knicks had the ball with seven seconds left and still down one. JR got the ball on the wing, dribbled a bit, and missed a turnaround jumper over Russell Westbrook as time expired. Poop. Some notes: Continue reading