What Would Ryan Lochte Do? “Pilot”

Ryan Lochte did some stuff on TV yesterday and you might have tragically missed it. Here’s the recap!


We’ve decided to give the Knicks a break here at the Meloship and provide some essential writing on the wonderful national treasure that is Ryan Lochte. So begins a weekly thing, for better or worse, where I will write recaps of episodes of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” in an attempt to make Mondays a little less terrible. Or more terrible. We’ll see. Jeah, this should be interesting.

We begin the inaugural episode of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (WWRLD) with our hero and a large group of people called the “Lochterage” (Spectacular wordplay. We’re already off to a great start.) walking down the streets of Gainesville, Florida getting ready to play quite possibly the most intense game of flag football ever. Quickly, we are introduced to Lochte’s assistant/BFF Gene and his younger brother Devon. Devon, of course, is rocking a tuxedo shirt. Ryan, not to be out-bro’d, is wearing a tank-top that says “LochteNation” on it and keeps saying that over and over again to describe the group. The teams split into a shirts-vs-skins game, and shockingly, the real-life Aquaman quickly takes off his shirt. Some things to know about the game:

  • Lochte says he doesn’t know the rules to flag football, but logically decides to play quarterback anyway. I believe Jamarcus Russell was very similar.
  • By my count, he finished with one rushing touchdown and about five interceptions, two of which were returned for touchdowns, and zero butt-fumbles. I’m no scout, but his throwing mechanics were more sound than Tim Tebow’s. What I’m trying to say is that Lochte will be the next starting quarterback of the New York Jets.
  • Before the last play, Ryan bet Devon that he would score a touchdown, and if he didn’t Ryan would detail Devon’s car with a toothbrush. Needless to say, the game ended on a pick-six thrown by Ryan, because of course.

The group then moves to the Lochte residence, where they have enough pizza and beer to survive the apocalypse. After flirting with a self-proclaimed ballet dancer who couldn’t get onto her toes and do that painful looking walk ballet dancers do, he wasn’t every impressed and decide to go to a bar. Apparently, in Florida, you can just walk up behind the bar and start serving drinks to strangers if you’re Ryan Lochte. (Also: Lochte say “Let’s turn it UPPPPPPPPPP” like 17 times in the span of 10 seconds.)

The show has numerous cut-aways to Lochte sitting in a room with the producer asking him questions. After the bar scene, Lochte is asked if he considers himself to be a “player.” His answer? “Define ‘player’.” Then we meet Megan, whom he cordially invites to a sushi dinner-date by whispering “Let me tell you something” in her ear and getting her out of the bar to ask her out. All this, mind you, while he is one his third cup of what appears to be blue Gatorade. After the commercial break, the Lochte family goes bowling. We meet his two sisters and mother. Mama Lochte attempts to say “JEAH” multiple times but her attempts don’t meet the satisfactory “JEAH”-level that Lochte has set himself. His younger sister tells him to “Be the ball”, and after knocking down a grand total of three pins he replies “I am the ball. The pins are just my friends.” This was my reaction. The older sister, Kristin, asks him when she’s going to meet the girls he’s going on dates with. I’d wager and say probably never. Ryan explains to us that Kristin is always right and looking out for him, as well as smarter than he is. Basically, Kristin Lochte is the Dick Cheney to Ryan Lochte’s George W. Bush. Ryan and Megan go on their date. Turns out Megan doesn’t know what sushi is and is moving LA in a couple of weeks. Welp, looks like they’re not getting married.  As we go to commercial again, Lochte yells “What would Ryan Lochte do?” underwater and it’s actually pretty audible. This is why he’s an Olympian, folks.

Time for Family Movie Night! Kristin wants to watch Silence of the Lambs, but Ryan objects. This is when we learn that his favorite movie is What Women Want. And if you think about it, Lochte really is the Mel Gibson of swimming. Ok, maybe not. The sisters then chastise him after he admits to taking his dates to the same restaurant.

Kristin: “In a college town? Word gets around, Ryan.”

Ryan: “It might be the same place, it might be the same table, but it’s a different girl.” Deep, touching stuff.

We end with Lochte paying off his bet to Devon, cleaning his SUV’s rims with a toothbrush. But wait, there’s a twist! Turns out Ryan is using Devon’s toothbrush! Ryan is so pleased with himself he begins speaking in the third-person: “Ryan Lochte is an honest guy, and he’ll always pay his bets off. But he’ll do it in the Ryan Lochte way.” As the end credits roll, we see a preview for next weeks episode which is *easily* going to be the best 30 minutes in television history, as Ryan goes to Washington, D.C. and gets asked questions by a roundtable of women ranging from ObamaCare to carbon emissions. Those previews almost completely undermined a great first episode because now I can’t think about anything other than next week’s show. Some final thoughts:

  • There were a few great Lochte-in-a-room-with-the-producer moments. First, Lochte asks “Douchebag? What is a douchebag? What is the definition?” followed by a clip plays of him saying “I got $200,000 on my wrist.” and pointing to his watch. Then, he forgets what medals he won at the Olympics.
  • After promoting his clothing brand and “The Lochte Edge” he gets asked what “The Lochte Edge” is. Dumbfounded, he responds with “You know, I’ve never been asked that question before. And honestly, I have no idea.” Which is fair. Asking to define “The Lochte Edge” is like asking to define the word “the.” That shit is impossible. And let me tell you something: If you CAN define “The Lochte Edge”, you probably don’t have “The Lochte Edge.”
  • After a night of partying, Lochte and his friends, hungover, go through a Sly Stallone in Rocky IV training montage. But, instead of cutting logs in the Russian wilderness, they’re doing crunches and swimming laps in Florida.
  • So, seeing as the vast majority of this show is scripted, there has to be a way to get Lochte to say things that are still incredibly stupid but too smart for him to think of. Would everyone chip in say, 5 dollars, to get some of the writers to have him quote Kanye and say “I’m way too black to burn from sun rays” while doing crunches in the Florida sun? Would anything be better? Maybe if Lochte did Ye’s verse on Clique, citing his “clique” as “LochteNation.” The goal here is to get Lochte to quote Kanye as much as he can because if those two personalities could somehow mix, I could die happily.
  • Some quick lyric ideas on Lochte doing “Clique”: “Every time I’m in Gainesville they screaming like he’s Elvis/But I just wanna design shoes and nail it”
  • Favorite throwaway line from Lochte: “I always pee in the pool. You have too.” Damn right.
  • Throughout the show, he wears shirts that say “#LochteNation”, “Turn It Up” and “Listen To Ryan Lochte.” Ryan Lochte is the GOAT.
  • Here’s the definitive Ryan Lochte GIF.

And that wraps up the first of hopefully many WWRLD recaps. Was this a good idea?


Meloship of the Ring Podcast – Episode 1

Dan and I jumped onto a podcast to discuss basketball, which we did a relatively decent job of accomplishing. We discussed the signings of Earl Barron and Q Richardson as well as Knicks-Celtics, but we also discussed Ryan Lochte, Omri Casspi and a variety of other things. So much Ryan Lochte though.

*Note* Dan’s audio was a bit quiet and muffled, especially at the end. We’ve already fixed the problem and the next podcast will be of much better quality!

Also, check out James Griffo on Spreecast with the great Art Rondeau discussing Knicks-Celtics on Spreecast tonight at 8 PM EST. Here is the link for that show:



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James @j_griff 

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Knicks Sign Earl Barron

Earl Barron Jason Kidd orange boarder

EARL BARRON IS BACK. Following Rasheed Wallace’s retirement from earlier today (he’ll find a rec league), Earl Barron is back with the Knicks after a three year period of being in exile from New York. Yes, the same guy that Knick fans thought was going to be the team’s starting center during the 2010-11 season. Barron will be eligible for the upcoming playoffs this Saturday against the Celtics. What a weird turn of events the last couple of days; first, King Solomon Jones was waived a couple of days ago, resulting in the signing Quentin Richardson to fill in that roster spot yesterday, then today with Earl Barron filling in Sheed’s vacant spot. Some things about Earl:

  • No, Ronny Turiaf isn’t replacing him. 
  • Who knows what we’ll get in him? Knick fans said the same with Kenyon Martin, but hopefully Barron can do something like this in limited significant minutes. That was Barron’s breakout game, in which everyone thought he was going to become a superstar, because, you know, he was essentially the only hope.
  • Barron is happy to be back in New York, apparently, and it makes a lot of sense.
  • He also has a championship ring. So, you know what that means…PLAYOFF EXPERIENCE (pfffft)!

Lots of people jokingly said Earl may come back to New York, but those jokes turned into facts. Welcome back, Earl! Two Earls is better than one!

Taylor’s All-NBA Teams



All-NBA Team discussions are always fun this time of year so I thought I’d chip in and put mine up here with a little bit of justification for each. Let me know if you agree/disagree with my selections.

First Team

G – Chris Paul

G – Russell Westbrook

F – LeBron James

F – Kevin Durant

C – Marc Gasol

The two spots for debate here are Westbrook’s guard spot and the center spot. Continue reading

Knicks Sign Quentin Richardson

qrichEarlier today, basically out of the blue, the Knicks signed Quentin Richardson, closing the open roster spot they had from cutting King Solomon Jones. Richardson played with the Knicks from 2005-2009, and holds career averages of 10.3 points per game, 4.7 rebounds per game, and is a 35% three point shooter. This move isn’t that significant, or at least lets hope it isn’t that significant. Also, Richardson is playoff-eligible. Some brief thoughts:

  • Once a Knick Always a Knicks! It looks like the Knicks are becoming very committed to this slogan. However, I was kinda hoping that players from Knicks teams we try so, so hard to forget would be, um, forgotten from this new campaign. If the Knicks bring back Jerome James, look for them to have a 10 year anniversary night for the 2005-2006 Knicks, where every fan in attendance gets a replica NBA Draft Lottery ping-pong ball.
  • Here’s Q-Rich blowing a dunk against Maccabi Tel Aviv.
  • For those of you that weren’t following the Knicks during those terrible years (and god bless you, really) or have drank enough alcohol to forget them, you may not know that Q-Rich is not a big fan of Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett. That being said, I’d very much like for those guys not be extra-angry when playing the Knicks. 
  • And here’s Richardson and Garnett getting into a skirmish.
  • Hopefully Richardson doesn’t have to play unless the Knicks are up by 25 and Woodson clears the bench. If he gets burn in a situation other than that, I guess he can’t really be worse than James White. So there’s that.
  • Headbands! Melo and K-Mart are already avid wearers of headbands, and I can’t remember Richardson playing for the Knicks without one. I suggest a rule change for the playoffs where the team with the most headbands wins.

And that’s it! The Knicks close out the regular season against the Hawks tomorrow, and then get ready to play the Celtics on Saturday, time still to be determined.

Knicks 90, Pacers 80, 2nd Seed Clinched, Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

jrpacers15th win in the last 16 games, locked up the 2-seed in the East…fun times to be a Knicks fan, everyone. (Furiously knocks on all of the wood.) Indeed, the Knicks defeated the Pacers today in a relatively ugly, slow, Pacers-y game. Shorthanded in the frontcourt with Tyson Chandler and Kenyon Martin (and every other tall guy on the Knicks) suffering from death many different nagging injuries, the Knicks were beat up on the glass 45-32 (and 13-8 in offensive rebounds). However, even with this disparity, the Knicks took 17 (!) more shots than the Pacers, as the Pacers decided to start throwing the ball everywhere but to their own team, even hitting poor Mike Woodson with one en route to 26 turnovers. Carmelo Anthony poured in 25 points while sitting out the 4th with a shoulder contusion (nothing serious according to him, he is still alive), JR Smith added 15 off the bench, and Chris Copeland scored 20 himself as he made up for his poor rebounding with stellar shooting (8-12 from the field). Some notes:

  • King Solomon Jones got the start at center, and played pretty poorly but it really doesn’t matter. He over played some hedges defending the pick-and-roll, was constantly getting thrown to the ground by Roy Hibbert, and took a 7 foot jumper off the pick-and-roll that went about 5 and a half feet. Cool name, though.
  • Steve Novak missed a layup off the pick-and-roll and had he made it I would  probably be dead.
  • Melo started off hot, scoring the first 9 points for the Knicks, but cooled off mightily after that. He started getting frustrated with the officials after the physical play escalated and was guarding Hibbert and West down low and taking a beating. After getting fouled hard by David West on the shoulder and favoring it for a couple of minutes, Melo threw down an alley-oop from Kidd and then hit a catch-and-shoot three pointer and we all breathed a sigh of relief.
  • The Knicks benefited from Paul George being severly off his game (3-12 from the field) and basically everyone on the Pacers either not being able to throw or catch the ball. I don’t think I’ve seen that many passes flying to no one in particular in a while.
  • Jason Kidd, a game leading +17, missed a spot up three pointer by about 35 feet, then on the same possession took a runner from the corner as the shot clock expired and missed the rim by slightly less. Then he airballed his next three-point attempt long. Whatever. Kidd came up with 4 steals today, ripping the ball from poor Lance Stephenson as he attempted to drive on Kidd, then stealing a couple of over-the-top entry passes by playing the basketball version of a free safety.
  • Playing the majority of the game at center, Copeland actually did a decent job fighting with Hibbert for position down low. This, coupled with Hibbert’s relatively bad post up game and the Pacers refusing to throw him the ball when he was in *great* position right under the basket, led to Hibbert having 4 points on 2-5 shooting.

That’s basically it. I mean, this was a pretty sloppy game from about midway through the first quarter on. Looking forward, the Knicks now have their highest seed since 1994, will play the Celtics in the first round, and can/will rest their starters for the final two games o the regular season. The issue with the last thing is that the Knicks currently have 10 healthy players, and 8 of them are currently rotation players. If it were up to me, the Knicks would play Solomon Jones and James White, and throw in Jim Todd and Herb Williams occasionally. Alas, NBA rules require you to play 5 players at a time, so I guess they can’t do that. Anyway, the Knicks clinched the two-seed. I’m going to run around like a maniac for a while. This picture describes my emotions right now:


The 411 on James Singleton


In an effort to add players who aren’t broken and can actually play, the Knicks will sign forward James Singleton (no, not the guy we passed up for Shumpert in the draft) and release the injured Kurt Thomas. The only thing I knew about Singleton prior to writing this post is that his name was James Singleton. I’d heard of him a few times, but couldn’t recall having seen him play. I read around the inter-webs for information and here’s what I came up with:

Singleton stands 6’8 230 pounds and is a forward. He seems positionally versatile due to his size, so I could see him playing multiple positions with the Knicks. Because the Knicks have zero healthy big men, he’ll play power-forward primarily and probably some center too. Basketball-reference had him listed as a power-forward for the Wizards last year. In 12 games with Washington last season, Singleton played well. His TS% was .60 and he recorded a PER of 19.6. Small sample size definitely applies, but I like this guy. I took to Synergy to watch some film on him and I like what I saw.  Continue reading

Ex-Knicks of The Week


Taylor Armosino (@tarmosino): Earlier this week, Knick legend Bernard King was finally elected to the Pro Basketball Hall of Fame. King won’t be the only former Knick inducted to the hall this year, as ex-coach Rick Pitino and shooting guard Richie Guerin also made the cut. Props to all three, but I’m going to talk about King this week.

Often compared to modern day Knick star Carmelo Anthony, Bernard King was one of the great scorers of his day. Though I’m not old enough to have seen him play, you need just to look at the stats to see how good he was. For his career, King averaged 24.1 points per 36 minutes. His career true shooting percentage was .561, exactly what Anthony’s is this season. The fact that King didn’t shoot threes makes his accomplishments even more impressive. He was scoring efficiently operating in the post and in the mid-range area, the two most inefficient spots on the floor. At the height of King’s scoring prowess, the 1983 and 1984 seasons with the Knicks, he posted player efficiency ratings of 22.7 and 25.2 and true shooting percentages of .619 and .585. He truly was a dominant scorer. Continue reading

Recap: Knicks 120 Wizards 99: Atlantic Division Champions!


They did it! For the first time since 1993-94, the year in which Jason Kidd was a sophomore at the University of California, Carmelo Anthony was 10 years old, Iman Shumpert was 4 and I wasn’t born yet, the Knicks have won the Atlantic Division.  Now we can all laugh in unison at the ESPN writers, who all picked the Celtics, Nets or Sixers to win the division, knowing that we surmounted the arch rival Celtics (see ya in the playoffs) and the preseason media hype glutton Nets. The Knicks made sure their division clinching game was going to be a blowout, as they rained threes down on the Wizards en route to a 120-99 victory. They have now won 13 in a row. Here are a few notes: Continue reading